I haven’t done much in the blog lately, maybe I didn’t have a lot to talk about or maybe I just didn’t want to bore you with my negative ramblings!
Anyway, I just wanted to get my thoughts ‘out there’ today for some reason.
It’s been my first week back at work after the long Christmas break and it has been pretty full on. I have so much coming at me from all directions, I’ve had to bring a load of stuff home to finish off.
So I woke up at 7.30 this morning, went down to make a cup of tea, then cam back with the purpose of showering, dressing, walking Archie, then starting on the work. Instead I somehow managed to get back into bed to watch the Coronation street omnibus, a programme I generally dislike and never watch.
Ah, the irony! There was me on screen. They are portraying a character suffering from depression who is sitting playing with a Rubik’s cube while his business gets into debt and his loved ones leave him, etc… so the penny drops with me. That’s what I’m doing, not just today, but all the time.
So do I admit I am still depressed or do I just carry on?
Because I can carry on, unlike 5 or so years ago when I couldn’t function; now I get up every day, go to work, smile and talk to people, do my job. OK, when I close the front door at the end of the working day, slump in front of the TV and do nothing until bedtime – well, I won’t go there, because actually nobody gives a fuck anyway and I’m pretty certain people I know are bored to death of my depression after 5 years. I should be cured by now, I know, I know.
I don’t feel at all inclined to seek help from the medical profession, as they didn’t help at all before, other than to give me some medication that made no difference, yet electrified my brain when I stopped taking it. The counsellors all think they succeeded, but I am such a people pleaser that I just told them what they wanted to hear. It’s easier.
So I am telling you, little blog. Then I will get up for work on Monday and carry on as normal.
If I’m still here that is – I am having some pains in my neck and jaw and in my back. I read an article the other day about women and heart attacks and those were the exact symptoms described, so I may no be here on Monday! We’ll see. Won’t make much difference to me either way.
Barbara Murray Art 
Good to see you back. I doubt depression can ever be “cured”, although a warm sunny day often seems to help. I don’t know the magic formula for doing it, it just seems to happen sometimes, but it is sometimes possible to expand the lie to counsellors and friends to include yourself that everything is fine.
If you really do seem to be having a heart attack don’t hesitate to call 999. To be on the safe side do it now anyway – by the time the ambulance arrives, you are admitted to A&E, and seen by a doctor, it will be next month, and you might really be having a heart attack by then. I’m glad I dialled 999. A fortnight in hospital was the best holiday I’ve had in the last 50 years – seriously !