Nearly…

I had two almost experiences this weekend.

The first happened yesterday at the opening of the annual cp exhibition. As chair of the society, it was my job to organise the whole event, select judges, do the buffet, make the speeches and present the awards, etc..

Unfortunately, I made an error at judging time. We have several donors of awards and most are happy for the judges who are in attendance to choose the winner on their behalf. One donor likes to choose his own winner by looking at digital images of the work beforehand.   I forgot about him doing that and gave the award list to the judges yesterday so they could choose the winners while I chaired a committee meeting.

Imagine my delight when I discovered they had selected my drawing of Tai’O Village as the best landscape!  I was too busy at the time for too much of a reaction, as I had all the awards to present and judges to thank, etc, etc.

Later on though I felt incredibly chuffed and pleased, although that feeling was tempered with sadness that I had no-one to tell!  How I wished that I could make an excited phone call to a loved one to proudly reveal my news. But, in the end, I posted it on Facebook, which made me sadder than ever, as the realisation that my only hope of congratulations or of somebody being pleased for me, was from virtual friends that I hardly know.

But the feeling passed as I was among people I like and who like me; we all met for dinner and had a pleasant evening. I was the life and soul, making people laugh. It was good.

i woke up in the middle of the night with a start. Damn! I remembered about the landscape award,   But couldn’t look through my emails for confirmation as there was no signal in my room. At breakfast, in the patchings cafe I used the wifi there to search, but couldn’t find the one about the award. I emailed our treasurer, who was also here yesterday, to see if she remembered. I’d already set off for home when she replied, so I pulled over to sort it out. Yes, the donor had indeed already chosen three options and had asked us to get the exhibition judge to select from those three.

I phoned the guys who were still there and instructed them to choose one and swap the label from mine to that. At least it was me and I didn’t have to disappoint someone else! But I was disappointed, more than I thought I would be. And I needed a cuddle, someone to sympathise with me, someone to tell. So I told Facebook.

The next ‘nearly’ event happened after that. I suppose I started feeling sorry for myself, in the pathetic way that I do.  I suddenly got completely overwhelmed by loneliness and couldn’t stop the tears rolling. I don’t often cry, especially as uncontrollably as that, but it’s always when I’m on my own and usually in the car where I can’t be seen or heard by anyone.  So I’m driving up the A1M heading for Scotch Corner, doing 90mph in the fast lane with tears pouring down my face ( not the safest way to drive I admit) when the car in front suddenly slams on the brakes.

As I get closer and closer to the back of that car, I think to myself ‘ this is it. This is the end of me’ and I don’t mind. No fear of death. It’s OK, for the best. Only I don’t want anyone else to die, so I brake really hard just as the other car swerves into the middle lane, then the inside lane to veer off onto the slip road.  I drive on, the fucking loneliness still with me and i really don’t know how long I can carry on being alone all the time.

I know how pathetic it sounds and if you’re reading this you probably think I just need to pull myself together, but It’s not that easy. I’m so locked up in my own head all the time and without anyone to talk to to ground me, all my paranoia and insecurities explode to the surface.

I I would love to know what is wrong with me that prevents people from loving me.  I’m a strange person I think, maybe I’m not very nice deep down. But there has to be something that keeps people at a distance. I wish I could change it, whatever it is.


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