That flu that I thought was starting on Friday actually started with a vengeance on Saturday night. I lost all day Sunday and most of today shivering and shaking in bed, getting up only to throw up every hour or so….. Then crawling back to bed with my head pounding so much I thought It would surely explode!
Anyway, I feel a bit better now, washed out but human at least.
Now for the reason for naming this post day one. Before, during and after my bedridden weekend I did a lot of thinking. And I made some decisions, which weren’t altogether easy to make. You see, I have been under an illusion for the last few years and its finally time to put that illusion to one side and change tack.
My ‘best friend’ Marion has been telling me for a long time that I should accept my life for what it is and make the bast of what I have. I have been fighting against that idea, with the advice of others, who have said that I can make my life whatever I want it to be. I think all that fighting, aspiring and hoping have been just making me miserable. So the main decision I made is to stop fighting for a better life and accept what I have. No shit!
A counsellor told me that everyone is entitled to a better life and everyone is entitled to find love in some way. That’s all well and good for most people, but from inside, I know that’s not the case for me. I’ve been labouring under the illusion that somewhere out there is a Mr right waiting to sweep me off my feet, but I’ve been hoping for that for so long that I reckon it’s just too late now. I have spent my life not telling anyone a damn thing, being so bottled up, but here on this blog, I really don’t care any more who knows what I really think. I’ve had only two ‘boyfriends’ in my entire life, neither of which lasted more than a few months and the first one was when I was 15!
Recent efforts at finding mr right have been totally disastrous, through dating sites. I don’t know what kind of people use those sites, but the ones I have met have been so strange…
How are you supposed to know when talking to someone online what they are really like? One turned out to be in his 20s and married, with a perverted need to sleep with an old woman. That’s right, I’m an old woman..
Another seemed nice on the surface, but ended up revealing that he was a complete bigot, with some horrible views on race and culture. One chap was indeed nice, but completely obsessed with making mathematical 3d models, to the exclusion of just about everything else. And you know what? Strange as those men were, I wasn’t good enough for them. I find it quite funny at times, tragic at others.
I think what I wanted, what I have been fighting, hoping for is just companionship, friendship, love maybe, in whaetever form. Not sex particularly, because I’m rubbish at that, but just love. Brotherly, friendly love would have been fine. Someone to talk to occasionally, to confide in when i need someone. That’s all.
But Marion is right. And I’m right too. Some people are just destined to be alone I guess. It’s too late for me to change my life now and I need to focus on making the best of what I have.
It’s not so bad.
I have a nice house, a new little car, I can afford trips away. And of course I have my little Archie who loves me. I’m healthy (except for this weekend!), fairly fit and active for my age and pretty intelligent.
I reckon I can use those things to take my life in a different direction. There must be a way to use all the love I need to shower on someone in a more benevolent way. I am making plans to do just that if I can, I have a few ideas of how I could benefit others with my unrequited feelings. Lol!
Meanwhile, I will take each day as it comes, try to make the best of life and when I need someone to talk to and confide in, this good old blog will have to do.
And when I need a hug, there’s always Archie 😉
It’s 8.30 now and I need to go back to bed. I’m so washed out still! And I need to be fit for work tomorrow…
Night night blog (((xxxx)))
Barbara Murray Art 